Just a not so random update.

I'm trying to write a letter to my maternal grandparents, and progress isn't really being made.
Really, though, I'm stuck on the first line. How the hell do I present myself to these people? Do I start it with 'to whom it may concern' or is that too businesslike, too formal?  If I start with 'dear [insert name here], will that sound too friendly, like I'm assuming they'll want to get to know me? And what if they don't want to get to know me? What if I bust my ass writing this letter, and it just gets sent back without even being opened? According to my mother, when she sent them my birth announcement, that's what happened. Not that my biological mother was ever a very reliable source of information, but... I've got all of these fears regarding contacting them, especially with me being me. I doubt these people ever thought they'd have some random dreadlocked and tattooed grandkid from Oregon. So maybe it would be better to not contact them?

This would be so much easier if I could locate a phone number for them, but unfortunately all I've got is an address. I hope it's the right address, that they're the right people. I hope that they're willing to give me a chance, talk to me a little bit. It's kind of weird, I never really had a grandfather before, and my paternal grandmother passed away seven years ago, so... the prospect of having grandparents is as exciting as it is terrifying.

I'm going to keep trying to write this letter, and maybe I'll eventually get up the courage to send it, and maybe, just maybe, they'll like me. I hope so, I'm really not a bad person.

Family And BPD

I've always been told by members of my family that I am too emotional. "drama queen" is perhaps my least favorite label that they have bestowed upon me in the past, with "over sensitive" being a runner up. And they won't say that I'm lazy, but I "don't like to work."

These judgments may seem miniscule to them, but goddamn do they hurt. I've had quite a few jobs that I've loved, that I've bent over backwards for. Intense periods of depression and anxiety aren't exactly a walk in the park. Every time I'm confronted with a task in the workplace, I get really nervous. I star over analyzing my performance as I go along; Am I working within the time parameters set for me? If there are no set parameters, do I feel like I'm working quickly enough? Probably not. But if I speed up, I risk not performing the task to the best of my ability. It's a constant struggle with my brain, my need to please people is overwhelming and the equally as overwhelming self doubt that constantly plagues me sometimes leaves me so frustrated that I just want to break down and cry.

Today, I logged into my facebook to find that my Aunt had liked two of my statuses and commented on them both. I was pleased, thought maybe that she was offering me some positive words of wisdom, as older folks sometimes do. Instead, what I found were two different personal attacks on me, one about my 'dreadful' hair (which I suppose was meant as a joke, since my hair is dreadlocked) and the other was about my ear gauges, which I'd recently upped a size, and about how I "keep wrecking my natural symmetry."

Now, I get that my aunt is part of the older generation, and she doesn't quite understand things like dreadlocks and piercings, but how can she not understand how hurtful her words are? I called her out on it, told her that she was being kind of mean and essentially that she needed to back off, and am still waiting for a response. I'm betting it will be something about how it was a joke and that I shouldn't be so sensitive. That's the catch, though, my borderline personality disorder makes me sensitive to things like rejection, and for her to reject my physical appearance and preferences in body modification, it feels like she's rejecting ME. It feels like, as I am, I'm never enough for my family. They're always going to want me to brush out my dreadlocks, stop getting tattoos and piercings, and lead a 'normal' life. The more they berate me over my decisions, over the things that increase my overall happiness, the worse I feel about myself. Sometimes I wonder if they think hurting me like this will make me 'fix' what I have 'ruined' about myself in their eyes.

Family isn't supposed to make you feel like this. Family is supposed to lift you up, support your decisions unless you're doing some really fucked up stuff. Family isn't supposed to help you hate yourself. I'm so disappointed in the people I share blood with right now....