Just a not so random update.

I'm trying to write a letter to my maternal grandparents, and progress isn't really being made.
Really, though, I'm stuck on the first line. How the hell do I present myself to these people? Do I start it with 'to whom it may concern' or is that too businesslike, too formal?  If I start with 'dear [insert name here], will that sound too friendly, like I'm assuming they'll want to get to know me? And what if they don't want to get to know me? What if I bust my ass writing this letter, and it just gets sent back without even being opened? According to my mother, when she sent them my birth announcement, that's what happened. Not that my biological mother was ever a very reliable source of information, but... I've got all of these fears regarding contacting them, especially with me being me. I doubt these people ever thought they'd have some random dreadlocked and tattooed grandkid from Oregon. So maybe it would be better to not contact them?

This would be so much easier if I could locate a phone number for them, but unfortunately all I've got is an address. I hope it's the right address, that they're the right people. I hope that they're willing to give me a chance, talk to me a little bit. It's kind of weird, I never really had a grandfather before, and my paternal grandmother passed away seven years ago, so... the prospect of having grandparents is as exciting as it is terrifying.

I'm going to keep trying to write this letter, and maybe I'll eventually get up the courage to send it, and maybe, just maybe, they'll like me. I hope so, I'm really not a bad person.

Today was a good day

Being borderline is a really strange thing sometimes. After my therapist and I started talking more in depth about my diagnosis last year, I've really begun to take note of how my brain processes and perceives things. I suppose that's the point of DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), to make ourselves more mindful of our behaviors and how to alter them to suit the situation more appropriately.

This morning, I was pretty upset because one of my housemates was in the bath and I waited for over an hour to get ready to go into town and spend the day with my sister. I was so annoyed that I even caught myself thinking "fuck it, I won't go into town today."

Instead of spiraling into my usual mode of "my entire day is messed up now, ohmygawd" train of thought, I took control of my mind and told myself  "Self, you are going into town today. It might not be as early as you expected, so it's going to be pretty warm out, but you are going to see your sister and have a wonderful fucking time, NO MATTER WHAT."

The funny part is, I did get into town about two hours later than I had been aiming for, but I got to spend time with my sister, for which I am incredibly grateful because she and I don't see one another often and we always manage to come up with awesome ways to pass the time.

Mindfulness is an amazing thing sometimes.

A quick introduction

So... To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I'm going to do with this blog. I'm not really much for sticking to one topic when it comes to my writing, my brain kind of wanders. But the good news, I suppose, is that this is my blog and I can do pretty much whatever I want to with it.

I was initially planning on turning this into a journal to write down the progress I'm making in coping with my BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder-, but am not really sure whether or not I really want to open myself up like that to the aptly named World Wide Web. On one hand, it could be beneficial, not only for my progress but for other people out there who are facing similar struggles. But because BPD is so rooted in the past and childhood, I'm reluctant to discuss my disorder.

Especially when I take into consideration that my dad has recently started using the internet more and could potentially read anything I write here. I find it more than a little hilarious that I can't even escape his snooping as an adult.

But anyway... Hi there, blogging world. I'm Gwen. Some people think I'm kind of crazy. Or unrestrained, unfocused, over emotional...yeah, there are a lot of adjectives that I've heard people use to describe me, and those are the polite ones. Really though, at this current moment in time I'm just tired. So...I think I'm just going to leave this post in here and write more tomorrow.

Love and light, bitches.
-Gwen Rose